Dear Prudence: My husband wants his “own” child, but I don’t think our marriage can survive it.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

From our first interaction, my husband and I always knew and understood that each of us wanted a family. As a same sex male couple, this is not necessarily the norm, so we were lucky to find in each other a partner whose values and life goals aligned. Our dream was to have twins—one from “his embryos” and one from “my embryos”—but our journey was not easy. First, we had suboptimal results from our first IVF round with our egg donor: only three viable embryos, and we lost twins in our first implantation. At the time, despite test results reading on paper beautifully, our doctor questioned if there was something off with our egg donor. But we had one embryo left—”my” embryo—so we decided to give it another go and that final embryo was a fighter. We now have a lovely, charismatic 3-year-old who brightens every moment of our days. But my husband is fixated on having a child that is genetically “his” own. We did another cycle with our original egg donor, which yielded no viable embryos, and then moved on to a new donor that we had better success with. But our surrogate has since had three miscarriages from implantations of “his” embryos, and it’s been taxing on all levels, including financially, as we’ve spent our entire life savings at this point.

His birthday was this past week, and he mentioned he thought he’d be further along in the baby process by his age. This really stung, as the implication was that he views our son to be less special just because they have no genetic link. Beyond that, I seriously doubt our marriage could survive a second child. My husband is very selfish and barely contributes to our life. I organize EVERYTHING: I am the primary earner; ensure every bill is paid; our son’s doctors’ appointments are made and attended; sort childcare, clothes, food; keep the house tidy and maintain the cars; get up with the baby every morning and relieve the nanny every night—I mean, I could go on forever with this list, but the point is I’m exhausted and I can feel the resentment building. Years into all this and he still doesn’t know how to install a car seat, can’t remember our WI-FI password, and only ever grocery shops for the things he needs! How can I manage another child when I’m already so burned out and have no support from him?

We have discussed this repeatedly, and things get better in the short term, but it’s never long-lived—the dog always behaves best when in the doghouse, after all. I don’t have the tools to address this though. Broaching the topic would end in an argument, and the mere suggestion we stop our baby journey now would end my marriage. I don’t want to blow my family up, but I also need to be true to myself. I’m at a breaking point but I don’t know what to do. Please help!

—Panicked and Pensive Parent

Dear Pensive Parent,

I have a feeling you might be putting the (admitted, really difficult and intense) reproductive saga at the center of the plot here to avoid the simpler crisis: Your marriage to your husband isn’t working. You said he’s “very selfish and barely contributes to our life.” You’re exhausted and resentful.

These are all big problems. The only thing worse than being at a breaking point, as you say you are, with one kid, would be being at a breaking point with two. Explain this to him from the perspective of your potential future baby.

So rather than, “I seriously doubt our marriage could survive another child,” try “Because I am so overwhelmed by the amount of physical and emotional labor I’m doing, I don’t have anything left to give to another child, and it’s not fair to bring one into the world until we’re prepared to give him or her the parenting they deserve. So we really urgently need to work on that.” If things completely turn around, you might feel more motivated to make a last-ditch effort to get him a biological kid. If they don’t, yes, it might end your marriage, but isn’t it sort of over anyway if one person is deeply unsatisfied and the other can’t commit to pulling his weight?

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.

Dear Prudence,

Three years ago, my brother-in-law had an affair and left my sister for his pregnant girlfriend. They ultimately reached a shared custody agreement and live a few miles apart. My former BIL has since remarried and had two more children. My sister has enrolled in a PhD program and began dating a man who lives about an hour away. The problem is my niece (13) and nephew (15). Their parents have essentially abandoned them. My sister leaves for work before the kids wake up in the morning and comes home at 10 p.m.

after her classes, Monday through Thursday. She leaves for her boyfriend’s house early Saturday morning and returns midday Sunday. The kids have stopped going to their dad’s house because their stepmom doesn’t like them (according to them). They clearly don’t like her much either.

Child services has had three reports about the kids. The first was filed by my nephew’s school two years ago because he was late every day and had vodka in a water bottle. The second one was filed by the pediatrician because my niece has lost too much weight and her parents did not take her to a specialist. The third was because my nephew was brought into an emergency room in the middle of the night drunk with a broken leg and they could not reach either of his parents for more than 10 hours. All three times my sister and BIL got a lawyer, took some parenting classes, and had the cases closed out.

This past weekend, I received a call at 2:00 a.m. from a woman who was a mother of one of my nephew’s classmates. She found him passed out drunk in her basement and could not reach either of his parents. I tried calling them too, but I could not get hold of them either. I drove two hours to pick him up. When I got to my sister’s house with him, it was 5:00 a.m. and my niece (who is still frighteningly thin) was there by herself. Neither my sister nor my BIL called me back until 10:00 a.m. I don’t know how to help the kids. I live in a one-bedroom apartment two hours away. I told them to call me whenever they need help, but they clearly need more than that. Where do I start?

—Worried Aunt

Dear Prudence,

My sister and I (both mid-twenties women) have always gotten along well, but she’s also always had a bad track record with men. Last year, her then-boyfriend broke up with her and moved to another state, leaving her hanging on the lease of their two-bedroom apartment. I agreed to move in to help with the rent. Recently, she’s been seeing a different guy, and he seems okay, but she suddenly announced that they’re moving to the suburbs together when his lease ends (September) and that she’ll help me find a second person for the apartment until our lease ends (February).

I think she’s making a stupid relationship choice, but also I don’t want to live with a last-minute stranger, and I only moved in to help her, since I could afford a smaller place on my own. We’ve argued about alternatives multiple times, and I’m really angry. Since I’m a subletter with no legal agreement (my sister and her ex are on the lease, not me), I could just walk away. I know my sister can’t afford this place alone, and I don’t want to blow up our relationship. Our parents are mad at me, my sister is mad at me, but I’m this close to just signing for a one-bedroom near work and letting everyone else deal with the problems they created for themselves. Is there some kind of middle ground?

—I’ve Only Been Here Six Months

Dear Six Months,

The obvious way to move forward here would be for your sister to pack her little overnight bag and go stay with her boyfriend in the suburbs every weekend, leaving a few pieces of clothing each time, eventually getting a toothbrush over to use there, often staying into the week, and before long just coming home to do laundry or get the appropriate attire for a change in weather. You know, the normal way people ease into moving in together. And you’d have the apartment to yourself most of the time, which you deserve, because you were a good sister for moving in with her in the first place! Then, at the end of the lease, she would officially move and you would go get your new place near work.

But you know what stood out to me in your letter? That you’re seriously considering living with a stranger who you don’t want to live with to preserve your relationship with her, while she’s clearly not burdened in the least by any similar concerns about staying on good terms with you. In fact, she’s comfortable using your fear of damaging your connection to manipulate you. Her plan is to move in with her boyfriend, and push you to do something that makes you unhappy, despite the fact that she’s in a perfectly acceptable living situation right now. It’s also interesting that your parents are mad at you, when you’re pretty clearly the reasonable person here. With all this in mind, I can’t help but wonder whether your family is in the habit of expecting you to put your needs last, while prioritizing your sister and her somewhat chaotic life choices. Whether this pattern results from your different personalities, your birth order, simple favoritism, or something else, It’s going to be jarring for them to change this pattern, and you’ll have to lead the way. Here’s how you do it:

Calmly tell the three of them that you’re happy to stay through the end of the lease with your sister as a roommate, or move out when she moves out. There’s no need to argue. Remember, you’re just explaining that these are the options! When they push you to find a Craigslist rando, simply repeat “Unfortunately that just won’t work for me.” Repeat the options. Now your sister is the one with the tough decision to make. Your relationship might suffer temporarily, but standing up for yourself is the first step when it comes changing the dynamic between the two of you and your parents. The next time she thinks she can walk all over you, she’ll think again.

Dear Prudence,

This would take about a decade to explain if I were to keep in ALL of the details, but basically, rumors have spread about a girl, who I’ll call SM. SM is a good friend of mine, and my other good friend, ST, has been told that SM leaked someone’s address online, which she denies doing. I’m good friends with both girls, and I want to forget that the rumor ever happened so things can go back to the way they were. ST seems so determined to hate SM now. Both girls have been texting me bad things about each other and I’ve just been agreeing because I don’t want to lose either of their friendships. But whenever I think about whose side I’m really on, I can’t come to a conclusion; I don’t know who to believe OR whose side I’m on. Please give me some advice!

—Stressed About Friendship

Dear Stressed,

Go sit down in a quiet place. Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Ask yourself “Did SM leak the address?” “Which one of these girls is really a good friend to me?” “Which one of them is mean?” “Which one of them is kind?” “Which one would talk about me behind my back?” “Which one adds to my life and which one takes away from it?” And just keep sitting there. Notice the first thought you have and then the thoughts that come after that. Maybe write them down. I really believe you know the answers to the questions you’re asking. You know by the way each of these girls behave, and how they talk about other people, and whether they do little hurtful things when they’re upset and try to laugh it off as a joke. You know who keeps secrets and who’s kind of hot and cold, and who seems to disregard other people’s feelings. You don’t need solid evidence of who did what to figure out which one is a good friend to you and which one is not.